Guns dont kill people, Chuck Norris does. (Radici)

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Cinema Snob: Where does this movie take place? Whatever, I'm just going to assume it takes place in Buck Owen's ball sac.

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Cinema Snob: Are you upset that your friend Weed died or are you upset that he's the one who had all the weed? Alan: [to a group of frogs] You're my friends. You don't care if I was sick once. They like me anyway. Cinema Snob: No, they don't like you. In fact, they're probably praying that they were in a Ruggero Deodato film. Add one giant crooked tooth down the middle of his face, and we've got the words "bitter virgin" in human form.

If that wasn't awkward enough, they actually make him flirt with someone. Cinema Snob: Weed? His name is Weed? I can't wait to see the camp slut, who's probably named Whore. His initials aren't B. Cinema Snob: When young Gacy asks you to his secret hiding place, you say no. There are plenty of nice people out there with crawlspaces. One, they skinned frogs.

And two, they actually made me feel sorry for Alan. Frank: [to Alan] When I'm through with you, they're gonna throw your ass outta this camp so fast, you won't even know what hit you. Cinema Snob: You know, that's an interesting point. Frank: Listen, I've been in this business a long time, and believe me, I've seen much worse tantrums than that. Cinema Snob: Yeah, but the difference being we didn't have to see a movie about that.

Cinema Snob: Well, it's Precinct 13 if the Cholo just decided to call the grieving father a 'blow job', and if it all ended in a tantrum and not a shoot out. Cinema Snob: I feel bad that these campers now have to resort to porn. Back in the '80s, campers were banging all over the place. But some things never change, people are still trying to kill them.

Cinema Snob: It's like getting mad at the series finale of a show I didn't even like. Cinema Snob: "Isaac Hayes as the Chef"? Ooh, sweet reference that has nothing to do with Sleepaway Camp! Cinema Snob: Now it's time to tie up one of the other counselors and Giovanni Lombardo Radice the hell out of his dick. So all we are left with is an unlikeable lead character who we do not feel sorry for when he is bullied.

And when I say unlikeable, that is the biggest understatement I have ever uttered on this entire show. Alan is arguably the worst lead character in any horror film ever made. I am not kidding when I say Alan is the most unlikeable lead since Triumph of the Will. Cinema Snob: Weed and his lackey here wrap cow shit up in a joint and then talk Alan into smoking it. Cinema Snob: [scoffs] The chicks don't have on bathing suits on either.

I can't believe no one has given him a wedgie yet. Mike: [about pulling a prank on Alan] Just a little joke. Besides, he likes it when we make fun of him. Randy: [as the killer lowers a tiny noose toward his crotch] What, are we hanging mice tonight? Cinema Snob: You're about to get your dick cut off. Would you mind taking this more seriously?

Cinema Snob: A penile death scene so severe I didn't have to censor anything. Cinema Snob: This was apparently Isaac Hayes' last released film before his death, which seems really sad, as he's mostly just standing there saying nothing and looking depressed. He certainly paid more attention to the reactive mind when accepting this role.

Cinema Snob: They had to put a black screen there because it was just too amazing for us to see, or they blew their entire budget on Isaac Hayes, shitty credits and shitty CGI. Petey: What do you think happened? When are you gonna do something about this? Cinema Snob: Okay, none of this works!

In the original film, Angela was bullied, she was picked on, yes, and there was even a scene like this when she was thrown into the water. Angela had a sweet sort of innocence to her which made it more shocking when something dark would happen with her character. Alan is a bully who just happens to also be getting bullied.

When the people in the story feel sorry for him, it makes no goddamn sense! Cinema Snob: The opening credits weren't lying. There's Isaac Hayes as Chef. Makes sense, Alan is about as likeable as later seasons' Eric Cartman. Cinema Snob: [speaks over a clip of himself from ] Maybe this'll work Cinema Snob: [sitting on the floor in a large room] I am not doing a floor season again. Also, I kinda sound like God in this room. Cinema Snob: Is it bad that I love seeing horrible things happen to this guy? Unless you're luring him into the woods just to shoot paint balls at him.

Manual Guns dont kill people, Chuck Norris does. (Radici)

Oh, how I wish this were Child's Play 3 and those bullets were real. Now Vincent is all tied up for some reason. It would've been much funnier if he'd called him a Scarboni. That was his character's name from the Jerky Boys movie. Much more obscure reference, which means I approve. Cinema Snob: Still, maybe it's worth it to see Venito throw eggs at this piece of shit.

Bella: And if he don't leave soon, I'm gonna shove this mallet up his ass, and it ain't gonna be pretty, girls. Cinema Snob: The only thing notable here is that we get to see a clip from the short-lived revival of Berertta. Cinema Snob: Obviously, they want us to think Alan is the killer, but we already know Angela is in the film. Cinema Snob: Even though two people have died in this film, I still feel like nothing has happened, except that Ronnie is slowly becoming Jean Claude Van Damme. Cinema Snob: Well they missed the perfect opportunity to have her to bleed Skittles.

I wish I could tell you that, but prison is no Miyazaki fairy tale world. I'm feeling very confused. Cinema Snob: He was a dissolve cut all along! Cinema Snob: Fine, fine, I'll have sex with you twenty-year-old schoolgirls. I just need to hire someone for a jingle, right now I'm stuck on plop plop, fizz, fizz, more of a relief than jizz. Cinema Snob: This character is so dead that her character should be classified as suicidal by this point. You ripped off Star Odyssey!

Thank God there's a couple of characters in here just for the kids.

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Cinema Snob: Yeah, there's how you set up a sequel: cut the guy off in mid-sentence. Cinema Snob: [On the freeze-frames] Some of these freeze-frames are just awkward. Oh, no, he's been shot! A mouse! They're the ones you don't own on 8-track. I just met Alfred Hitchcock! Cinema Snob: Tony has a scene with his mother in the only scene that really does feel like a sequel to Saturday Night Fever in which Tony tries to make amends for all the assholey things he's done in the past. Granted it's weird that Laura dumping him gave him this realization and not Annette being raped or Bobby committing suicide!

The scene is even kinda funny when his mom tells him it's okay to be a bastard 'cause that's what got him out of the house! Just like I shouldn't apologize for being an asshole. It's what made me popular on the Internet. Cinema Snob: [humps air to the sound of coins] This! Is How! You Make! Cinema Snob: In case you missed it, Chester's initials are C. Cinema Snob: [referring to filmmaker Ted V. Mikels] Ted has continued to work, even to this day, putting out fetish films, like "Apartheid Slave-Women's Justice", which is just ninety minutes of Ted getting trampled on by stilettos! I don't wanna talk about Hitler.

Dude's an asshole. Cinema Snob: A movie that contains the legendary action heroes of our youth, along with the best action heroes of current cinema. And Steve Austin. There will be no sucky-sucky in this movie. Cinema Snob: If the house is a person, then the basement is an ass with the runs. You don't wanna go down there. Cinema Snob: But I need to know why the monster was crying. Did he stub his toe? Does his diaper need changing? These are the kinds of answers that the movie doesn't provide, people.

Cinema Snob: [Opening lines] Woo-hoo. Looks like Disney had a more disappointing weekend than a fireworks enthusiast who blew off only three of his fingers instead of four. It looks like we got that John Carter sequel after all. Merle Haggard: [William Tell Overture plays as the end credits start rolling] He learned the wisdom of the forest.

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